Crossroads

Sucks I hate it... got injured while playing soccer today. Slight twist to the knee.

I think thats God's way of telling me to slow down and also not to go out so often in order to save money.

Sigh... I do agree I need to slow down a bit. Both on the training and the dating. Badly need some good sleep, time to rest and think. Catch up on my readings and quality time with myself.

Fine then, I'll take the weekend off. No crazy tango/ ballet/ martial arts classes. No going out with gals. Just some quality time with myself, books and computer... hehe it'll be fun.

Quote from the book 'Paper Tangos', "Tango words (songs) and tango bodies (dance) speak simultaneously to different kinds of brokennesses. The first to be heard (songs) is the shattered link between lovers. Because this is the best known theme of the tango, it is often identified as the tango's 'message'....

...While tango lyrics speak to the confusion and isolation of former lovers, tango bodies are thrown back into a lovers' embrace that paradoxically can establish the most intimate of links or none at all. It can divorce not only the bodies but also the parts of these bodies from each other. This is a performance of rupture in the same way that it could be - and sometimes is - a performance of tenderness."

I've often wondered to myself why this dance which gave me such a cultural shock at the start, continues to enthrall me. I find myself falling in love with this dance increasingly.

Dancing as I know of, is a bodily expression of our emotions. All emotions can be expressed, but most of the time, dancing is an expression of happiness. This is especially true for social or partner dances; they express love and happiness. You have salsa, samba, rocka and roll etc which are so bouncy, sexy and fun.

But Argentine Tango offers so much more depth between the dancers. Anger, resentment, passion, of course love and happiness all can be expressed. I'm beginning to think its the depth, sadness and despair component of the dance that has identified with me.

Dancing to tango music, which mostly speak of sadness and the hurt suffered when being abandoned by women, continues to fascinate me. How can one dance to such sorrowful music??!! Hold a woman in your hands when you understand what the songs are singing about??!!

But its kinda whats going on in my life now... I go out meet so many people, do so many things, trying to find the ideal life. But at the back of my mind, the background music that plays, is what the Argentine Tango croons of.

I leave you with a typical Argentine Tango song...

"First, one must know how to suffer,
then to love, then to leave,
and finally to wander without thought...
the scent of orange trees in blossom
vain promises of love
that disappeared in the wind...

Afterward... what about afterward?
all my life is yesterday
that has me detained in the past,
eternal and ancient youth
that left me a coward
like a bird without light."

- from "Naranjo en Flor," by Homero Exposito.

Got some excellent bargains lately... A second hand IPOD 20GB for $300, I bought it when it was only 2 months old, original price $499.

A second hand NEC Pocket PC for $200, the original price was $400.

A second hand Casio Exilim 5 mega pixel digicam for $350. The original price was $790. It was about 6 months old, good condition.

Hence I've completed my gadet wishlist. I got a digicam, Ipod and pocket PC all for under 1k... ahh the leisures of life. Plus I have a video cam... No more hardware shopping for now....

Oh did I mention the cool gingham Casirini shirt for under $20? hehehe

I don't have much time left... I don't know whats' driving me. Is it because I am not getting any younger or because I want to fill up every second so that I won't think of her so much.

But reasons aside, I am living it up, coming up to a point of breathlessness, still I want to do more...

This is a rough guide to the days of my week, besides the my main work I do(about 8am - 6pm) ...

Monday - Not yet filled, thinking of something... currently 'dating' day.
Tuesday - Church's dance ministry, dance practices and classes, mostly pilates and ballet.
Wednesday - Volunteer magician at NUH.
Thursday - Tango practice and aerobics.
Friday - Tango practice and lessons.
Saturday - Tango classes, ballet classes and chinese martial arts classes.
Sunday - Ballet classes

All these on top of physical trainings twice per day, every morning and evening, which consists of 15km runs, swimming, weights, rock climbing and static PT.

Upcoming events would be driving, and diving courses. The next things in line I very much want to pick up are a new language and cooking.

Well which brings about the next point. I was like this last time before I was with her. I was crazy about doing and learning new things. But when I was with her I spent every second of my free time with her.

Is this good?? In retrospect, I stopped growing once I am with her. Not her fault, entirely mine. For reasons unknown, I stopped attacking life. Maybe because I am simply contented with her; I've got her, why the need to experience other things? Could be because I just want to spend every single minute of my free time with her? Its not good.... not good at all. I think thats why she left me in the end. Because I stopped growing as a person.

Which is another reason I am so hesitant, scared of getting involved again. Would I stop growing again?? I would most probably love her so much that every other minute I'd want to be with her. We all know how thats gonna go then...

If not, if I keep up this life when I'm attached...would it be feasible?? Would I have time for her then?? Would she mind?? I don't think thats' gonna work too...

In a crazy world like this, where simple love doesn't work anymore, which couples could actually stand up to be counted? If you are amongst them, I'd very much like to hear from you and how you guys made it work....

Read a very interesting book lately, "The Concise Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene.

Talks about how to seduce another person. Learnt very good lessons in handling people from that book. Immeadiate usage in the real world.

Case in point 1:
My sister had some problems with a patient of my dad. The patient, a lady, wanted to get a medical recipe of my dad. So happened that my dad wasn't around and my sister refused to give her the recipe because she wanted to protect my dad's secret recipes. Neither wanted bulge and it escalated into a verbal tirade. Applying principles I learnt about persuasion in the book, to be smooth and slow; I manage to calm the situation, talked my sister into giving the recipe, got the lady a photocopy of the recipe and maintained the integrity of the original. At the end of the day, both parties went home with what they want.

Case in point 2:
One of the chapters describes the usage of words to stir up emotions. Do not use correct but non-powerful words like "I think", "maybe", etc... Use powerful, descriptive and extreme words to stir up emotions, although they maybe controversial at times. Hence for the recent PAC, I gave the platoons some sort of a motivational speech (instead of 'some sort of a motivational speech' I should use a rousing speech'), using words like 'brotherhood', 'the other teams doesn't regard you as any threat', 'the other team wants to crush you guys', 'we must die for one another...' stuff like that. Works pretty well... you can really feel the trainees' fire light up and the "YESS SIR!!" they gave me at the end was one of the loudest ever.

So nice (or should I say excellent) book, not necessarily use it for amoral means. I'd definitely be studying it closely again.

I was offered a job at Basic Military Training Center (BMTC) as a Officer in Command (OC) recently!! Its a job in charge of about a hundred fresh army recruits.

Unbelievable! I felt a tinge of incredulity... Am I that old already??!! From what I can remember, BMTC OCs are those soldiers in their 30s, taken out from the field, who can't go out and do combat duty anymore... Not that I do not have respect for them. I have the utmost respect for my BMT OC, thats why I do not think I'm ready for this shin-dig yet...

The reality and my own fantasy of myself just can't match up. In my mind, I'm still the young 19 year old cadet/ officer who still have the world in his hands. Everything around me seems to reinforce this. I live in the same environment I lived 5 years ago, doing the same things I do 5 years ago. But REALITY is I am 25 this year.

I freaking DO NOT want to grow old. Its freaking me out sometimes. I run/ swim/ chiong faster than most 19 year olds.... but I'm never going to be 19 again.

Now I'm considered BMTC OC calibre. Yeah sure they'll get an OC who can run faster than their officers. Big deal. I'm now going to become an 'elder'. And in 5 years time I'm gonna be 30!!!

Can't stop living life man... 5 years... I only have 5 years....

"I often dream of holding you in my arms again; calling each other familiar love names, saying forever to each other again. Because though I've experienced a life so exciting without you, I yearn only for the simple life with you.

I have seen and held many women, but the flesh and blood standing in front of me pales in comparison with the fragments of my memory of you. The multitude of women out there, I feel nothing for them; for before anything starts, they are killed by you.

Hence I continue to search for a future without you. I continue to journey in the darkness with no end in sight. The only light that remains, is the dim flicker of my memory of your smell, your voice, your smile and your love; the glimmer that warms my coldest nights, yet plunges my heart to the most sorrowful depths."

---- Lonewolf, 20th September 2005

Sunday, 11th of September was the date for Army Half Marathon, or Shears Bridge Run.

21km, I started off the run with a mindset of taking it easy. I am in pretty good shape and training pretty regularly. 3 years ago, I represented my army division as a competitive runner and I trained extremely hard. Doing crazy mileage, slopes and intervals. I ran a timing of around 1hr 35mins.

So off I went for this year, with a new body and fitness, I haven't have much expectations. I'm doing a lot of volume in terms of training but much lesser than 3 years ago, and I do not have much speed training. I joined the competitive category again but it was just for fun, I was training throughout the week and even did martial arts training the night before; I even had my Ipod with me... 2 hours of running can get a bit boring.

But time and time again, events have proved that its impossible for me to run easy in the presence of other runners. Especially a big competitive event such as this; when you see everyone huffing and pufing. I just hate the feeling of being overtaken by others; and love the feeling of overtaking others.

I started the first 11km reminding myself to keep it slow. Inexperienced runners can start too fast and die off later. After the 11km mark I go to cruise speed. I was feeling pretty light on my feet and start to overtake people. On my way towards the endpoint around the 15km mark I began to overtake the competitive runners representing my unit. I also overtook some runners that used to be much faster than me. It felt damn good, but of course this just illustrates another truth: you get what you give.

The last 5km I was able to go to full speed finished particularly strong for the last 1km. God gave me tremendous strength and of course when I felt like giving up I just remind myself of the pain I felt when I broke up with her; all other pain pales in comparison.

At the finishing line I glanced up the clock and it shows 1hr 36mins! Just one minute away from my personal best! It was a superb run, and I just pray to God to keep me in this shape and to bless me in my future trainings... because I am going to try to get into the army elite group again; this will demand me to be in the best physical shape...

For now, i'll try to let training remain fun and no pressure. This was the single most important reason I feel so far that allowed me to train such high volume and yet not get burnt out. Its a fine line to thread but I hope for the best.

I was what... 75kg then. Now i'm between 62-63kg. Hmmmm it all started this year april after the breakup. I couldn't eat for about a week. After that everything else just came along. I started training more, not harder, but just more. Started joining in new things, doing new sports.

And now here I am. Best shape in my life. But its not that much to crow about i've always had a base. I was never completely sloth. Just that I'm on a much better and controlled diet now.

I hope this goes on, to maintain this shape is never easy. But I get a lot of kick out of hearing people say things like "I can't recognise you now!" "You're so skinny!" I just had an encounter with a friend who hadn't seen me in like 3 months and I was smiling and waving in front of him and he asked me who i was!!! hahaha that takes the cake.

About a month ago, my boss choose me to be the trainer for the wing's platoon assault course.

Platoon assault course (PAC) culminates the training of the cadets towards the end of the Officer cadet course. The platoons participating will go through a gruelling 8km fast march whilst carrying one instructor on the stretcher to simulate evacuating a casualty; on top of that, they will have to do 50m combat swim in full gear, test their shooting skills in the middle of the march by going into a shooting range, clear an obstacle course while carrying the casualty.

PAC is held towards the end of the course. The winning platoon would have their names engraved on a shield together with past and future winners. It is a ultimate test of teamwork, determination, fighting spirit and physical fitness of the platoon.

Now our wing has not won the PAC for many years and this year, my commander has entrusted a very important task for me to bring the shield back.

This is what I crave and live for in the army. Not paperwork or bureacratic shit... To train the cadets, be physically and emotionally involved and to motivate them on. So I took on the task with delight.

First up I decided to train up the cadets' basic fitness. So I organised a couple of PT sessions. Then I decided the fast march component is actually the most important, but they not only have to fast march but they have to carry a casualty at the same time. So I made them carry a 20kg jerry can each while they fast march around the stadium; I call them fast march intervals. Then I had them march the race route itself together with the casualty. The SOC and swim component, while not very physical, demands a lot of team work, so I organised a couple of pool sessions and obstacle sessions for the platoons to sort out their clearing techniques and team tactics.

For all team races like this, one very important aspect is the rules and regulations, things the teams are allowed to do to gain that slight advantage. Every little thing counts for example rolling up the sleeves of the combat gear to enable the swimmers to swim faster, etc... Hence I sat down with the conducting officials and went through every single rule to make sure my teams will not get penalised unnecessary, at the same time adjust our strategies to optimize our performance.

During the various training, to avoid making the entire PAC challenge become an instructor 'forced' activity and thus making the platoon lose their inherent motivation to succeed, I purposely allowed the platoons to come to these training on the basis of free will. I did not make it compulsory like the other army trainings. I just organised the training and told them to come down as a platoon, but they can choose not to come, either decision they make however must be as a platoon, not an individual.

Throughout the training I discovered a few truths:

I joined in all the trainings, carrying the same load and marching the same distance. This has a positive impact on the trainees as they will not complain about the toughness of the training. Another benefit is I would feel the same amount of tiredness they are feeling and thus adjust the training accordingly and more accurately. I also realise that I am in fact currently much fitter than most of the cadets; most of the time they are trying to catch up with me. This is both pleasantly surprising yet disappointing to me. Surprised due to my current high fitness level. Disappointing due to cadets' low fitness level.

Not all the platoons want the PAC as bad. For this PAC I train the entire wing which consist of 3 platoons. But the platoon which I am the original instructor has the best attendance to all the trainings. Maybe they want it more or maybe they come down for trainings because I'm their instructor; nevertheless they were very positive and attended all the trainings with no complains. The other platoons I feel were relatively lazy and did not come down for the trainings even though I know they are not as tired as they claim. Only my platoon came down for the swimming training, even though they had to book in to the army camp early to train.

On the PAC course itself, my wing did not disappoint. For the first time in history, 1st 2nd and 3rd place were all won by the same wing. And no prizes for guessing who is the champion platoon, the platoon that is the fastest and most determined of all.... Platoon 2, my platoon, the platoon that came down for all the trainings. The platoon that wants it the most.

No one remembers no. 2 but maybe no.2 themselves. So the next time you want to slack and not train remember this: at the end of the day will you be able to look down deep in your heart with no regrets and say you have gave your all, and did everything you can to achieve what you want?

Got a terrible news from my best buddy today. His wife has asked for a divorce.

I've always admired him and his family. We're the same age, he is earning about the same income as me and yet he is settled down with his wife and had recently bought a home in Punggol. Deep down I know that this is the life I wanted.

All was looking rosy and I even told them of my admiration for their family 2 days ago when I played mahjong at their house. So you can imagine the shock I got when I received a desperate sms from him telling us what happened and how devastated he feels.

I was there. I had been there. And not long ago. I know how it feels to be so much in love for one day and then told that the love is over the very next day.

His wife just sms my best bud while he was at work, 'I'm not coming back home tonight and I won't be coming home for good. I have no more feelings for you and I've moved back to my mom's place.'

In the middle of his work!!! Through SMS!!! Maybe both sides got their stories to tell but this is cruelty at its ugliest form.

I can't comment on who's wrong or right. I once read that it is painful for both parties to end the love no matter who ended it. But this is her reply when my best bud asked her, "what's the difference between being in love and marriage?" She replied, "A cert!" That really shattered his heart. What happened to 'for better or worst', lifetime commitment? She's apparently not ready for this yet. Not ready to give her life her future to my friend. Unfortunately, my friend had given his life to her. Which is the cause of this tragedy.

To me, being in love and marriage is indeed a cert. From my perspective, when I fall in love, when I give my heart, it will be forever (hey a song! haha). Yes I do not give my heart easily. But when I do, its for real, for good. So to me falling in love is the 'marriage' it is for better or for worst, it is a lifetime committment. It was what I feel towards her, I am ready to be married anytime. But she didn't think I'm ready, or we're ready? But maybe she didn't understand my love.

I had given my love and now its packed neatly and locked away in a small corner of my heart. For this very reason, true love may just remain something like an unattainable concept. Cause I'll never fall in love again. Oh oh I'll never fall in love again (hey another song!!! haha).

I pray that my friend will survive through this disaster and come out a stronger person. And pray that I'll be there for him as he was there for me.... sigh... Is this what they mean by "Nu ren ru yi fu, shiong di ru shou zu" (Women are like clothes, but brothers are like limbs - chinese saying).

World Of Music And Dance, Singapore Tour 2005. Yahoo!!! What a great event. It was the first time I've been there and I'll definitely make it a yearly fixture.

From groovy cuban beats to high energy indian rap. I danced all night jumping up and down. I was dead tired that night but once the took music came on, it took over me and I just can't stop bouncing.

I was together with my sister and her friends and there's one particular cute gal by the name of Nicholette. She's cute funny and witty and she has the most enchanting single eyelid eyes.

From Ann Kok, Wu Chien Lien, Lin Yi Lian and Maggie Cheung, from young I'm simply captivated by those oriental single eyelid eyes. And Nicholette eyes seem to sparkle like diamonds that night.

Unfortunately for that night I was too tired to put on my most charming behaviour haha.... sigh and due to some unforeseen circumstances my sis and I were stranded and we ended up dancing alone, seperated from the main group.

Other than not talking much to Nicholette, the night was fabulous with music from around the world, it ended with an amazingly crazy time of british indian rap and reggae. It was so amazing that I mixed into the largely indian audience and boogie down with them bollywood style!! Haha... A night to remember definitely.

Woah!!!

These pass few weeks had been mad crazy for me. I have been living on approximately less than 6 hour sleep time everyday for about a month.

Yesterday was the first day I had my precious 8 hours of sleep. Finally able to catch a breather, time to update my dairy.

Hehe... I do see a shift in the direction for this blog of minie. It started out to chronicle my life but recently it became more of a showcase.

Time to return to the original intention: to write this blog for my own memories, trying to write for others' interest just demands too much creativity and effort. Something which I would love to give, but just too BUSY nowaday.

Now, to catch up on the events that have transpired since the last update....

"The search of 'eternal, undying, truth' is beautiful but tragic... you may never find it... if you find it, you may never know. But the saddest thing is... the longer and more intense you search for it, deep in your heart, you may never want to arrive at the answer."

My random flights of fantasy....
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The notion of love.... do we fall in love with just one person in life?

Am I in love with love itself?

The most romantic music... Jazz.

Why did she leave me?

I don't know why... never will... does she know?

Will there be someone else that love her more than me?

Will I find someone else that I love more than her?

If I don't, will I fall in love again?

Have I fallen in love with loneliness?

Never is such a painful word.

What I really want to study... psychology and philosophy.

I want to master all the body arts.

Does Jesus love christians who have a rebellious streak in them?

Lord, why did you take away the love of my life? Now my love does not know where to go and I'm changing.... all paths are unclear... Will my true love change?

Singapore is a small place. Our paths have to cross again.

I met her again today (sunday), at church. She was to pass to me a pocket PC that I bought from her. Incidentally it was her birthday too.

My heart was a stone, I steeled myself before I meet her. But when she appeared before me, the stone dropped, my heart disappeared. No it didn't melt, it was empty.

She looks more beautiful than ever, her hair long, "How are things? You look so skinny now... and so pink ( I was wearing a pink Nautica sweater)" She asked. "Okay...yeah" was all I can mumble. It was all I wanted to say. Inside me I'm tearing out.

It's her birthday and I want to reach out and hug her. I want to look at her face and look deep into those loving eyes that looked into me everyday for the last four years... I want to run my fingers through her long hair... She knows I love long hair. I want to hold those hands again... my heart wants to tell her that I still love her, every cell in my body still loves her.

But I turned after saying 'okay'. I turned and never look back. I only looked at her long enough to capture that lovely visage in my mind, a split second. For I fear for my heart if I look at her too long...

I turned also because I know we could never be together again... why? Because our love has gone... I still love her, and she may still have feelings for me (thats a big MAY my friend haha), but our love has gone; never be the same again.

Still a paradise, regenerated very fast. But a morgue with 1000 plus unclaimed tourist bodies serve as a reminder of the tragic events.

Khao Lak National Park is still quite devastated. It is at mainland Thailand, but very near Phuket, we went to check it out, basically it looks like a construction site, this is the place to go if you want to see the devastation; there is a remanant of a navy ship swept 400m inshore.

Company was great, my mates had a good time, and I had a great time with my lady friend. We talked about life, the scenery and most of all, about love. We ate, drank, danced and generally be merry... I'll always remember the roller coaster of a boat ride to Phi Phi Island, us side by side listening to Louis Armstrong croon to La Vie En Rose, smooooooth...

But all this hasn't changed anything. If anything, it has reinforced the very fact that the love in heart has deserted me. Because at the back of my mind my past and sadness is consuming me. When would I recover, I don't know. And I can feel my friend sharing this sadness with me. I was suppose to make this trip an enjoyable one, but instead I fear I had weighed her down with this baggage.

I had to pray for clarity and protection. Most of all I have to pray for forgiveness, forgiveness for this heart that refuses to love again...

Still chasing the shadows of memories...
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Two days after I touched down from Brunei, I was on a budget Tiger Airways plane to Phuket, Thailand. It was a sweet deal, the return air tickets costing only $91. It was the second time I went Phuket, the first time I remember paying about $200 plus for the air tickets.

Considering it was the second time I am going to Phuket within a year (the first time was mid 2004), things have changed considerably.

The first thing that comes to mind is the tragic events of 25 Dec 2004, the great Tsunami that devastated most of west coast Thailand. Second is the absence of my loved one, with whom I have many sweet memories in Phuket.

The saving grace for this trip is I have the company of my army mates and the enchanting presence of a good lady friend of mine.

It was an early morning plane, I had 1 hour of sleep and had to wake up groggily at around 4am. She arrived late but at least we made the flight. Of course if she was late and missed the flight, the question was would I had taken the flight to Phuket... I can't answer that now... maybe yes, maybe no. I'll answer that when the time comes.

Tiger Airways was great. There were much leg space, the attendants were friendly and the flight was uneventful. In fact it had a more homely and laisser faire atmosphere flying Tiger Air, compared to other more established airlines.

Once we touched down it was deja vu. The sunny clear skies, swaying palms, silky beaches and clear seas were all there. But if you look carefully you can see the destroyed brown wilted leaves still hanging at the palm trees; they form some sort of grim reminder of the flood line caused by the tsunami that happened 7 months ago. And the seas look rougher, the waves angrier that what I remembered... maybe it was the monsoon?

Anyway we made our way to the busiest beach, Patong beach. Hard to tell this was the place once ravaged by waves; where peopled are ripped apart by swirling debris, where bodies lined the streets. Because as I stand on the bustling streets, there were no signs of devastation; the peddlers are still there, tourist still frock in the sand, pubs and restaurants are still filled with music and diners. The only difference was that Patong beach was not as busy and hectic as I remembered. Things seem to slow down and there seem to be lesser tourist.

Our hotel was great!! 700 bht (30SGD) per night for a two person room!!! I was getting a small cramped up hostel type for 1500bht the last time I came here, and that was on a more quiet beach! This is heaven compared to that; with a nice king sized bed, TV, fridge and tropical themed bathroom. Definitely you can feel the hit on the tourism industry.

It was around lunch time when we settled down. Things definitely seem much slower. On closer inspection you could see some shops that are still under reconstruction, lesser shops are now opened. But generally it still feels like paradise once you hit the beach. The sand are as soft, the beach gentle, naked caucasians still line the shore in the hot sun; Jet skis criss crossing the rumbling waves, para-gliders pepper the clear blue sky. I prefer it like this, lesser people; a more quiet paradise.

I spent the day with her walking the beach and checking out the roadside stalls.

The night we headed for a good solid thai massage recommended by a taxi driver/ tour guide named Charlie. He was a nice guy, whom everyone thought died during the tsunami. I listened with a quiet horror when he described where the flood actually reached; a good 300 meters inshore!! Where could you run to??!!

The lady and I enjoyed a nice quiet dinner at the southern tip of Phuket. Under the moonlight, along the shore, with numerous yatchs lining the horizon; it was a postcard moment. We had a sumptous seafood meal that would otherwise cost a bomb in Singapore.

As I settled in for the night at the hotel, many thoughts were in my mind. The first and foremost is of course to let my lady friend have a pleasant trip. But being here reminds me of her again... her beaded hair, Karon beach... sigh...

Of course you would want to question the wisdom of actually bringing a lady friend for an overseas trip. I also hope that I do not convey the wrong intentions. I enjoy her company tremendously (thats' why I asked her here in the first place!!!) but committment is something furthest in my mind now...

My night ended with a quiet prayer for God's blessing in this paradise.