Crossroads

I'm going in... tomorrow... pray... that I'll last longer than I did the last time. Pray God would watch over me... and pray that He would lead me in His path...

See you dear diary...

It is suppose to be a secret, and suppose to be only for her. But I guess since we're not together anymore, its just a wild dream now; do we still call it a dream? I guess a wild thought would be more appropriate.

If you've seen my earlier posts you would know what matters to me. I had her; my number one dream in life was fulfilled. I trained hard for my number two dream. To join this elite group in the army; and when one fine day, I finally complete the course, there would be this amazing parade to mark the completion of this gruelling course.

The soldiers would march in, all covered in mud from the past one week of non stop missions. They would be carrying crazy amount of weight, crazy amount of equipment. Their mental state would be pushed to the maxed; hanging by the thread from the continuous harrassment and physical exertions.

But they would be proud, their heads would be high, because they've just completed one of the most impossible courses. I would be amongst them. I would march in as part of this band of brothers. Inside my pocket would be the thing that have kept me from falling, from giving up. The thing in my pocket would be the constant reminder of my love for her and my prime motivation in my life.

Of course she would be amongst the spectators together with my family and a small group of close friends to see me march in. When this wonderful parade that marks the end of this life defining course finishes, I would go up to her, go down on one bended knee, take out this thing from my pocket that has kept me alive, kept me from failing, a ring; and I'll tell her, "I have everything in life, I have completed something I have dreamt about for a good part of my entire life. But everything means nothing if I ain't got you. You complete me. Will you marry me?"

A long time ago, that used to be the image that runs through my head everytime I hit the road for a 15km run, training, everytime when I hit the gym, when I do pushups. And when it does, I would train a little harder, run a little faster.

Nowadays, this image still runs through, once in a blue moon; with a lot of static and distortions. And when it does, I still train a little harder, run a little faster. But my heart would cry and wrench a little too.

Because it would never happen. Even if one day I do march in the parade square, God would be in my heart to keep me from failing. But there would be nothing in my pocket, no one in the spectator stands. No one to go down on a bended knee to...

Just a wild thought... nothing more...

This song never fails to bring tears to my heart....

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If I Ain't Got You

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what’s within
And I’ve been there before
But that life’s a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, Yeah

Some people search for the fountain
The promise is forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love 'em
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it aint you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, you, you
Some people want it all
but I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

If I aint got you with me baby

oh said nothing in this whole
wide world dont mean a thing

If I aint got you with me baby

-Alicia Keys

Isn't toothache the most irritating thing? Its always there, its always painful and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

And it has to come now, at the crucial point of time when I'm in my full flow of training for something so important... sigh. just gotta live with it. I got high threshold of pain....

When I was 19 I made down a list of top 10 dreams I want to do in life; in a midst of a boring army lecture.

I could not remember most of the list by now. But I would never forget and have never altered the top 3 things I want in life. In the order of importance; 1. Find my true love, 2. Find my physical and mental limit, 3. Backpack around the world.

Well, putting the number one dream aside as its now the most obscure thing. I find myself closing in on my number two dream in life.

Most people do think about what they want in life. Yes of course the simplistic answer is happiness and/ or contentment. But what give happiness, contentment. Many people have differing ideals. I was never moved by money, nor power. Rich and rewarding careers and social ladders don't really appeal to me neither. Save humanity? Serving people around you? I wasn't that altruistic either.

I was more selfish I guess. A bit more lost. A bit of a wanderer. I want to find out what my purpose in life is. What defines me. And I know just one thing that probably would bring me closer to that self discovery; that is to find myself in my mental and physical limits.

This concept was heavily influenced by my athletic background, Bruce Lee and of course, during my officer cadet training. During those times I see myself honestly. The pure, brutal truth of my own humanity comes through most completely when I am at my most tired, most desperate; when I am pushed to my physical and mental limits.

The best thing is I do not need to become a professional athlete, mountaineer or ironman to achieve this dream. There is one place in army that would let me do that. The elite place in army where I would be pushed to these limits.

Its by no means easy to enter. I have been dreaming about this place since year 2000. Since then I have orientated my life to prepare myself to enter this place. I have tried so hard and I failed to enter it; last year I applied but did not pass the selection criteria. Well I honestly gave up there and then. I thought its meant not to be.

But shit happened, my number one dream died on me. I immersed myself in training then. Even then I was not preparing to go try again, I was just training up to occupy my time. But as fate would have it, I am now in such a physical form where I am so much more fitter than the last time I have tried.

So I applied again. Finally, I told myself, before I leave army I would give this dream that has dictated my life for the past 5 years another shot. Of course it mattered to me much more when I failed it the other time round. Honestly this time, even if I fail, I would gladly pursue other things in life, studies, church ministry, travel etc. But I need to try again and put this case to rest; I had done my best.

The entire application process was very late, I applied at the 11th hour. There was many obstacles along the way, initially I could not get my medical clearance in time, I only had a week to hit my peak fitness, etc...

But God has cleared my path. He has heard my prayers, He has blessed me with a week of very encouraging training. I am physically ready. Now it all rests on my medical clearance, and the actual selection itself. How would I fare mentally then? If God wants me to succeed then there would be no chance of failing, and vice versa.

5 years is a very long time to dream. But if you want something bad enough, it'll come true. I pray this time it does. Would it then prove my self worth? I don't know; what I do know is if I do get through, it would be the greatest honor of my life and the following years that ensue would be filled with life's greatest adventure.

Apparently thats me.

My camp recently had a biathlon, 500m swim (10 laps) and 5km run. I joined, taking it as just another training; sometimes you need to put races as intensive training days. I even completed a 20km run just two days before the biathlon. I certainly did not set out to win anything; just wanted to get a good timing like 30 mins approximately. I didn't even bring a watch! I know my own weaknesses, which is swimming. 10 laps round the pool, they say 10 mins is a good timing, 1 min per lap. I don't even know if I can do that. I was thinking 12 mins would be ok for me.

And of course every race has its favorites. There were two of them, other officers from other branches. One the top half marathon runner of the camp, the other a seasoned triathlete.

I'd never forget how the race went. When my detail started, all I wanted was to not lose to my good buddy, Lim. Lim is an excellent swimmer and he averages around 9 mins for his 500m swim. Of course I can try to chase him back with my running; as I'm in not so bad shape myself and running is my forte.

As I was swimming I felt, well not bad, I was surging ahead of the swimmers around me and I didn't feel like I was going to drown or tiring out. The laps wheezed past and as I completed my 9th lap, I caught a glimpse of Lim changing and running off!! Well not so bad I'd be at most 2 minutes behind him and that I can overcome during the 5km run. Heheh... So I sprinted the last lap and changed as fast as I could and ran off after Lim (someone later told me the speed which I ran off was almost like sprinting 2.4km).

I knew for sure I need to catch sight of Lim asap to keep me motivated for the run. So everytime I see marshals I'll shout to them, "How far is the front man?" And from their answers I know he is about 1 min away and getting nearer. I finally cut him at 2.5km mark. I wanted to jog slowly beside him but he just told me to go for it... which I did...

In the end I came in first and won the race with an unofficial timing of 25mins and 59secs, official race time of 26mins and 15secs. Lim later told me he swam about 9mins 30secs, which makes my swim about 10mins 30secs and 5km run about 15mins... HAH!!! I highly doubt its 5km.... I think its most likely just 4km plus.... But hey why take the glory away when you have it..

No one knew who I was. I was such an underdog even I didn't believe I won it! A officer and I was conversing when the competition organiser came over. The officer asked the organiser, "So who won? who is leading now?" The organiser remarked, with me in full view of me, "Someone call Isaac is leading now... WHO IS ISAAC???!!!" He turned and asked me, "You know Isaac??"

Best joke of the day. Makes the victory sweeter.

Yes... life has been busy again. A bit of catching up with dear diary here.

Things that has happened so far.

1. Cadets' commisioning ball:
I asked 2 gals out. Simultaneously, Nicole and Toni. Both agreed... sticky situation. Luckily one of them backed out. Saved me some explanation to do...
Toni was great company. Beautiful, witty and so bold. And a christian too! She's a sunday school teacher. A mix of daring sexiness and christian purity. An enigma I guess.

2. Got screwed major big time by my bosses for a mistake at work:
I screwed up a parade rehearsal by not taking it seriously. Not entirely my fault I guess but I have to shoulder most of the blame. Anyhow I was initially given quite a hefty punishment but was let off with just a scolding. My pride hurts!!! Long time since i've screwed anything up so big.... sigh...

3. Stepped on a lady's foot during Tango:
Yes thats right!!! I couldn't believe it happened again. I was trying out some new moves on a slightly larger frame lady (but she's a good dancer!). But I screwed up and my heel brushed on the topside of her foot causing a minor arbrasion!! OUCH!!! She let out a significant scream and that was the end of my dancing night... and dancing ego... completely deflated... sigh...

4. Closer to God:
As you can see I went through quite a low patch there. And somehow its bad patches like this you feel closer to God... I just hope its not the case if not God would have to make me suffer just to get close to me... (kidding!!!)

5. Insulted at Gym:
I was changing clothes at gym and this guy who is quite a regular remarked to his friend, "Eh siao eh (crazy one in hokkien or young one), you wanted six pack (abs) right? Go and ask this guy (me) lah! Thats' all he's got, six packs and nothing else..." I was shell shocked!! What a thing to say. I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or as an insult. It bothered me for a few days as I was muddling over what was the correct response... should I give him a piece of my mind? Thank him sacarstically? Try to smooth things over? I dunno. In the end the second time I met him everything seems to be forgotten> I guess he is just some loudmouth asshole.

6. Chalet and Magic:
Started performing some magic again at a company chalet. It was good missed that feeling of making everyone amazed and happy. Of course making me center of attraction too... Made a couple of kids very happy and taught them some easy tricks.

7. Tango:
Hit a snag in the techniques of tango. Like I've stopped improving. Everything was going so well i'm like the most improved dancer where all the gals want to dance with. Suddenly a bad step on someone's feet, some tired days and a bad dancing day and I feel like i'm a beginner all over again. It sucks...
But on the gals side i'm definitely not hitting a snag... got to know two very lovely gals. Serene and Rachel (american). They are so nice, especially Serene. Definitely my type, very demure and sweet... then again... you know...sigh...

8. Pakistan Earthquake:
Yet another natural disaster. One wonders if its end times...? But anywho my church is organising a relief mission to Pakistan soon.. might be a real good thing to go...

So thats it ...some minor events in my life the major events would have their own headlines... HHAHAHAHAHA....

Its easy to get phone numbers these days, just got one the other day from the handball match. A certain WL (these days gotta exercise BLOG responsibility), quite a cute gal. Lent me her shoulder when I was tired from commentating the handball match.

Ah but what the heck, found out she got a boyfriend when I tried to ask her out. Why give me your number then? Well I guess you had no reason not to. Its not like you are going to say, "no I don't think its right to give you my number because I have a boyfriend..." or "Forget about trying to get close to me as I have a boyfriend..." Whats a gal gonna do when someone may just want to be friends??

Oh well, gals, can't live without them for too long....Just got another one from the dance class on sunday...just for fun i'm sure you'd understand....

I just finished 'Gone with the Wind'. Freaking good movie. One of the greatest I've seen.

The characters are just so complicated and alive, unlike the predictable kind you see in modern movies. And the plot leaps out to you with its realism and complicity.

Why does Ashley still lead Scarlett on, even though he had the lovely Melanie? Why does Scarlett stay so smitten with her fantasy with Ashley even when she had a family? Why is Rhett so hard on Scarlett; when he tried all his life to win her heart then refuses to forgive her when she finally gives him his heart?

I guess this is life then, nothing is straightfoward. Well, thats the beauty of it. But I seriously love the way how cool Rhett is. He is my new hero. Men should be like this. Love with all your heart, but have the ability to walk away when you are hurt.

My favourite part; that defies all social convention and popular cinematography...
___________________________________________________________
Rhett: I'm going to Charleston, back where I belong.
Scarlett: Please, please take me with you.
Rhett: No, I'm through with everything here. I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left in life of charm and grace. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Scarlett: No. I only know that I love you.
Rhett: That's your misfortune.

He parts from her at the front door. Scarlett asks: "Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?" Without sentimentality, he cooly responds for the last time:

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!
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Saw your blog a while ago... you are probably the only one that reads this blog of mine regularly...

I still miss you very much. Even if its been half a year since you've walked out of my life. It still tears me apart every now and then. It hasn't let up like I thought it would. Even with so many good things and gals happening in my life now.

You said that I hadn't give you flowers or presents or enough attention since we got together. You said that I do not know my career or future. You said we were not moving towards our dreams.

All these are true. I put my hand up, touch my heart and admit that these are all true. I let my monthly loan repayment be of an excuse and stop buying you gifts, I let 'loving you' be an excuse to stop being romantic. I let 'for better or worse', and 'as long as we have one another, we can work anything out' allow me to become complacent.

Was it so bad? Why didn't you let me know earlier? Was all these enough to stop us from being with each other? Can't all these be worked out in the end? Maybe not, maybe I wouldn't have listened huh? I certainly know much much better now what ladies want, and know how ladies want to be treated. Actually I know even from last time, just that I didn't do it...

You know when I saw "March of the Emperor Penguins", what struck me the most was how when 2 penguins came together, they stuck with each other; all the way, even though they had to deal with hunger, being hunted down and even death. Is love that binds them together? Or is it just primal instinct of reproduction? Either way, it is so much more pure than what we humans call love. So many times I see, people running away from one another, breaking the bond they call love when the going gets tough; when problems arrive.

How many times have I told you 'I love you forever...'. I do you know. I wasn't kidding. Its bloody pointless when I think about it. Now trying to go out with gals, dating so much. What can come of it? Love? I can't give out love anymore. Even if I do what's next? To be hurt again? Or hurt someone instead?

They say 'tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all'. I did, with all my heart and soul... once.

Thats enough.

Was asked by a friend I knew from my Kent Ridge Hall days to help out as an emcee cum commentator for the upcoming 'Singapore F1 Powerboat Championships'...

Scratch that... before anyone gets excited, I wasn't asked to host the F1 Powerboat itself. I was asked to host one of the 'side events', the "Singapore Handball Open 2005".

Well, my hosting days started when I was in Kent Ridge Hall, NUS. Lots of great memories there. Anyway, I hosted a couple of events they had like "Culture Night", "Hall Bash", "Freshmen Orientation" etc... I had a great time doing that stuff, talking trash and all. And like my good friend and great fellow commentator Nicholas once said, "We are good at being shameless". Shameless - key ingredient to being a good host.

What I did not have is the experience of being a sports commentator. But hey they're not paying me anything so I saw it as a good chance to enjoy myself and it won't matter if I screw up; I'll just wear bigger sunglasses and a bigger hat on my way out...

So it went, I did two consecutive weekends of commentating for the handball open. There was some problems getting a good co-host initially, with my favourite partner in crime, Nic, busy at some Zoo event hosting of his own (oh yeah Nic, if you're reading this, I just want to say you're good at that, you've always had a innate common understanding with them animals). So I had to search for them, and of course I prefer ladies (that says something about you too Nic). At the end of the day, I had a different lady cohost for each of the 3 days and the last day I did it all by myself.

It wasn't so bad, it was more like just memorizing the couple of sets of key words like 'great, spectacular, wonderful, incredible, unbelievable, superb,' throw in couple of wows and shouts, plus a couple of teasing the players and round up with a couple of 'This event is brought to you by XXX sponsors...' you actually can sound like Peter Taylor and Gerry Armstrong commentating on the Man U versus Chelski game.

All in all it was a superb experience. I could definitely do this for a living; well, only the malaysian and singapore team understood what I was saying anyway. and the Singapore team were the ones that hired me... Everyone went home happy.

I was treated like a minor celebrity as the players from the foreign teams like Vietnam, Hong Kong and Taipei took turns to take pictures with me and gave me souveniors. The Singapore and Malaysia teams didn't care two hoots about me though... did I say they understood what I was saying... HAHA...

Minor ego trip for me as the vietnam ladies team waylaid me on my way to toilet. They called me over and had a little chat with me, one of them said, "the ladies here all think you are very cute..." HAHAHA... Ok!!! thats enough... this may be free labour and I had to spend over $40 for all the travel expense.... sweat it out under the hot sun, waste about 2 litres of saliva... but this sweet comment from the lovely vietnam ladies is enough...