Everyone has an ideal about love. My very first clear idea of love crystalized when I read Jin Yong's novel 'Shen Diao Xia Lu' (Legend of the Condor Heroes) when I was 13 years old. Moved by the relationship the characters had in the novel, I thought to myself; If I were to have a love it should be like this, pure and forever. If I found someone whom I love and love me back, nothing else in the world would matter to me anymore.

So I did not allow myself to fall in love, always afraid that the other person might not be 'the one'. But when I did, it was exactly like I imagined. I was 20 and I met Gene. She was three years older than me. We were together for four years and every single day was pure bliss.

So sure I was that she was the one, for everyday of the four years together, I felt we could get married tomorrow and it would not matter. Everyday felt like we just fell in love yesterday, and everyday felt like we could be in love for the rest of our lives. Everyday, even up till the day before we broke up.

Those four years were the happiest days of my life. Since then from early 2004 I have been carrying a burden of sadness. As they say the higher you climb, the harder you fall, I was very much disillusioned and lost. Although the rational mind tells me to be logical and realistic, but every single day I wake up feeling a pang of heartache; some days less, some days more.

Especially when I find myself falling in love again, or starting to have some feelings for someone else, I would feel a rush of pain. Falling in love was suppose to be the sweetest thing but instead of feeling good, I felt hurt.

And then I was afraid. Afraid of losing, afraid of the pain, afraid of falling in love again, afraid of the future even before the future comes.

Nice girls came and gone, but even there was a chance, I would not let it happen. I had one relationship after Gene, but unfortunately I did not allow myself to become the boyfriend that girl deserved.

In Buenos Aires I would fall in love again. But the latinas are a different breed, their concept of love is trying out first as friends who share physical intimacy. With regards to love, its not the kind of ideal that the asian culture shares, who demands a lot more commitment. This is of course generalizing. But at least, I faced this problem.

Combined with my already insecure state of mind, falling in love with an argentine girl would prove to be very difficult. It was very painful and there were many misunderstandings; lanuguage and cultural clashes. But at least I did not walk away; we stayed and talked things out.

My dear friend Jean 'Yoda' Michel talked a lot of sense. In one conversation that we had this words struck me, "It should be a no brainer at the stage you are right now. Just enjoy being together..."

In the end, wherever the current relationship goes, it has taught me something. I have finally let go. Let go trying to impose my ideal of love in every potential relationship, let go of the hurt. I did not really end my relationship properly with Gene, it left a scar. Untouched for three years, but lately, the old wound has been ripped painfully apart. But thank God this time it was allowed to heal beautifully.

Gene and I had something so pure and beautiful, I should be thankful that I had experienced that. The most amazing thought that struck me is that now I'm blessed with the knowledge and recognition if this kind of love ever comes to me again; I would be able to recognize and cherish it so much more. Meanwhile, just enjoy to the maximum with whoever and whatever I have.

It is one thing to reason things out and another thing to feel it for real. Three days has passed since I woke up feeling a wonderful lightness in my heart. The burden of my heart that I have been carrying for three years has finally been lifted; like big ball chains finally removed from a prisoner's ankles, my heart feels like its flying every moment. Thank God.