One of the biggest regrets of my life was the relationship with my dad. We don't have a relationship; which is regretful because the father-son relationship should be one of the most treasured in the world.
I've always felt very guilty and powerless with this detail of my life. And I've always sought to free myself from this guilt and shadow hanging over my heart.
Recently I did. I summoned enough courage and reasons to write a letter to him, telling him all the things that had accumulated over the past 29 years.
Another chain broken free.
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Dear father,
How are you? How is your health? I am doing fine in Argentina. Mom says you are working very hard. Please take care of your health. I won't be coming back to Singapore this year. The airfare is expensive and I want to help mom to save some money.
I know we haven't talked for a long time! I would like to say sorry, that I did not say goodbye when I left Singapore. I didn't know what to say or how to say, not even a goodbye. I think it's been a long time since I knew what to say or how to talk to you. I think it's probably the same for you too! You always say, 'the ice that is three metres thick is not caused by one day of snow'. I often think how did it become so bad? And I tried to think of some memories of us having a normal nice conversation... I can't think of any. Twenty nine years of my life and I can't find a single memory of it.
Sincerely, I know it's my fault, always was. Ever since I was a child, I had always made you angry, made you sad. As I grew up, and with the passing of time, words became harder and harder to say. I think it's probably the same for you too!
But right now I'd like to tell you, that in Argentina, I've finally found the courage and reason to talk to you. Because I've finally fell in love with studying! Twenty nine years old and I've finally found meaning and joy in books. Hence, I also finally have the reason, and right to tell you all the things I have been wanting to tell you, all the things that I should have told you long ago.
I often think of you, even now, no matter what kind of relationship we have, or if we have any at all. You are a great influence in my life. I often thought, do you still know who I am? The last time I spoke with mom over the phone, she told me that ever since I left Singapore three years ago, you haven't spoken much about me. But suddenly one day you said to her, "Ah Yang came to this world in pitiful circumstances, it was a very hard labour for you, remember? He couldn't come out of your body in time because he was too big. And when he finally did he had almost stopped breathing, his body was bluish and he couldn't even cry." I couldn't help myself but cried when I heard that. I imagine you, first time being a dad, looking at your first born son, bluish; on the brink of death... you must have felt so much love and sadness bursting in your heart.
Yes! You were twenty eight when I was born. I am also twenty eight this year. I remembered during my twenty eight year old birthday last year, I thought to myself, at twenty eight, you already started a family, had your first child.
And I am that eldest child, first child of my parents, first grandchild of the family. I have some photos of me when I was young; there was one with Mom, Ah Ying, you and me together. It was taken at the beach; Ah Ying must be two and I four. You were carrying me and you were looking at me with a huge smile and I too had a huge smile on my face. I have forgotten how that felt like.
Why was this so? How did it become like this? I know I was a lazy kid, and I hated studying. From primary school, till secondary school and even junior college. Every year you had to be summoned to talk to teachers and the principals, listen to their complaints about me poor performance in school.
I remember at Pei Chun primary school, where you studied as a kid too, I had many teachers who taught you as a child too. I caused them much troubles by not doing my schoolwork, I remembered one Mr Cheng saying to me one day, "When your dad was your age he was so hardworking! If only you were half as hardworking as your dad!"
And I told many lies when I was a kid, not because I liked to lie. But because I didn't have the courage to tell you that I didn't hand u my school work again, that I had poor results in my exams again, that the teachers have complaints about me again. I remembered that I would go through the lies I made, rehearsed saying them in front of the mirror so I would look more convincing. Many a times I succeed in my lies to you, and the feeling after that is not of delight, but great relief that I had escaped a beating once again.
Of course not every time I could succeed in the lying to you. When I don't I would have to get ready for a beating. Especially when you discover that I was lying, you would become even angrier, twenty strokes of cane would then become forty strokes. And I asked myself often, "Why can't I be a little more hardworking?" But when I was young I just couldn't sit down and study at peace, couldn't bear to finish up the homework, all I could think of is the world outside, going out to play with my friends, or watch television. I know I wasn't stupid, I even knew I was clever.
I remember that one time you were summoned to school again, not to talk to the teachers this time, but to talk to the principal. Of course the night before when you first got the news you had already given me a sound beating. The next day, pulling my ears we went to the principal's office together. I couldn't remember what was said but I remembered he said this to you, "Yen Yang is a smart kid, but very often, he can be very cunning."
Maybe the problem was that I was too clever, and did not have any self-discipline. No matter how much I want to study hard to please you, no matter how hard you hit me, no matter how afraid I was of being beaten; I just couldn't take studying seriously, I had no interest at all.
Because of this the beatings got worse. And I became more and more afraid of you. I remember that when I was young, you would often come home late, around ten o'clock at night. And every time when its ten o'clock, just before you come home my ears would ring automatically, and the hairs of my body would stand and I'd have goose bumps, my heart rate would increase. And not only during the days I know I made some mistakes, even when normal days too; in fact, every night I would get this fear. Sometimes I find myself wishing that you'd come home later, sometimes I would pretend to sleep the moment you came back.
Our old house had a place where two canes were hung high up in the air; they were probably only removed from sight during Chinese New Year. Wherever we go, sister, brother and I would always see it. In reality it was just for me to see. Sis and bro were very sensible kids, they hardly made you angry. Instead it was your eldest child, their big brother who was supposed to set a good example; he was the most useless one. I remember one time I knew I was going to get hit again; I grabbed the two canes and threw them out of the window so you couldn't find them.
And Mom had it tough too; I remember when I was young, every time after you hit me repeatedly, she would start to scream, "Stop it! Don't hit him anymore!" Often she would start crying too. There was one time you were so angry you picked up a knife and started towards me, and she had to throw herself in front of me. Then you would often berate here, "the loving mom spoils the son!"
I often think, was it me that caused the love between you and mom to disappear? The two of you often quarrelled because of me. Even till this day Mom is still stuck between the two of us, only through her we receive news of each other.
Now I think often and I realise, you had a very tough life then. Young family to raise, working from day till night, and when you reach home still there was no peace. You didn't get to see a hardworking sensible kid, but a stubborn, lazy, naughty kid who didn't study, didn't set a good example to his siblings. Maybe it was then, because of me, my behaviour, your dream of a peaceful, happy family was slowly destroyed.
You often said to me when I was young, "I really regret giving birth to such a useless thing like you! I wished I would have given birth to an egg, at least with that I could eat it!" It wasn't just the beatings, the humiliation hurt a lot too. Of course I knew, even then, that you were uttering these words in your anger, and when I was older I observed in all the uncles and aunties from your side of the family, they all spoke with similar harshness. But being scolded 'little gangster, little asshole, useless thing' daily, it was still hard to bear and humiliating. It was the same in front of other people too, grandma, grandpa, aunties, uncles, they often see the cane marks on my body, and they tell me to behave better and listen to you. At school, teachers and classmates would see the marks on my arms and legs too; "yen yang got caned again by his dad." my good friends would say. Those times, I didn't take pleasure in their sympathies, but I felt endless shame instead.
But the most shameful moment was during that incident that happened when I was twelve. I had stolen from you, mom, grandma and aunt, just so I can buy a handheld game from a classmate. I stole from you all a few dollars every time money was put around the table, sometime pennies, and I spent three months stealing bit by bit not being discovered this whole time. And when I finally got all the money and bought the handheld game, I skipped school to play the game. But I didn't go far; I went beside the school to play and was caught within the first hour by my classmates that were searching for me. The total amount of time I possessed the gameboy? One hour. When the truth was out, I had to bear the shame from school but the most shameful moment was when you ordered sis and bro to stand in front of me while I was being beaten, you told them, "look at this rascal, and remember never to become like him when you grow up!" I guess in that way I had set an example...
But I didn't hate you even then. I was scared, I was sad, I was contrite. I didn't want to anger you on purpose. But I just couldn't settle down and study in peace. I asked myself often, "why?" I didn't have the answer. Even now, I still don't have the answer; I just know I didn't do that on purpose to hurt you. Of course I didn't think much to please you. I think you were right about me when you said I only do whatever I want to do, without care or responsibilities.
But while there was no hate, love slowly disappeared too. The love I had for you was slowly disappearing, only fearful respect, and no love. I remember the last time I felt love for you, was when I was about ten. You told a joke that was not funny at all over dinner. And I still laughed to make you feel happy.
And the last time I felt love from you was when I was seven or eight. I hurt myself really badly, and you carried me all the way to the hospital. That time it was really painful, but I remember feeling calm and peaceful.
And because I didn't study, I didn't manage to get into the secondary school that I wanted to go. That was the school that you had went as a kid and you had wanted me to study there too; Hwa Chong secondary. And the worse thing was that I got enrolled into a school called Chong Hwa secondary! You were disappointed, so was I. And you kept reminding me it was a personal failure. From then on, every time someone asked me which secondary school I was from, I would try to avoid the topic or give some vague answers. I do however remember you telling me, "It is ok that you can't get into Hwa Chong, as long as you study hard, it doesn't matter where you study." I have this memory but I'm not sure if it's something I made up to make myself feel better.
Still I did not study in secondary school. Worse I began to go to school late, sometimes even two three times per week. And of course you still get summoned to school to talk to the teachers and principals. Sometimes, the teachers would even call home to complain to you that I didn't do my homework. Every time the phone rings, I would look over my shoulder in fear. Once I knew some teacher would call home, that night I disconnected the telephone cable so that no one could call in, and I was escaped that night. But I couldn't escape most of the time, and I continue to get beaten by you.
And I started to grow as a child, becoming a teenager, taller and stronger, you didn't scold me, "little bastard, little rascal" anymore, but "physically developed simpleton!" And the beatings started to hurt less and less, and I think you noticed that too, that beatings do not cause as much hurt anymore, so you started to take away the things that matter to me.
Although I didn't work hard in school and I was lazy, but there were things that I was crazily passionate about, that I was totally devoted in doing and practising. At twelve years old I became engrossed in Weiqi ('Go' chess), after learning for half a year I got first runners-up of my age category in the national competition, and I was called up to the national team. But later because I didn't study hard at school, performed poorly at school, you took my Weiqi away from me. When I was thirteen I started learning Wushu, one year after learning I was performing at a public performance for Chinese New Year. But again, because of school problems, you took that away from me, the Wushu teacher even called to beg you to let me continue, but to no avail. Not just these, all the things that I like that I could do well, like playing the piano, etc... As long as it was not studying at school, you would take them away from me.
Did I manage to study hard in the end? No. I had never loved studying; hence I never did work hard at it. And when I was young I still had fearful respect for you, when you began to take these things that I love, I started to be mad at you, and started to hate you. I remember when I was fifteen you were hitting me, I didn't cry at all, I remember you were slapping me and I blocked your slap with my arm, staring back at you with hate shooting out my eyes. That was the last time you hit me.
Although I did not take school seriously, did not do my work, habitually late, skipped school etc... I never had the idea of a rebellious kid. I never hurt myself, smoked, drank, took drugs or indulged in illegal activities. I never had the intention to hurt your feelings on purpose. To me, although there was no love, I still had a lot of respect for you: you were a very responsible family man, working hard day and night to support your three kids. You were even a very respectable and excellent Chinese doctor. I always told my friends, "Now look there is no love between me and my dad, so it is absolutely unbiased when I say this, he is one of the best Chinese doctors in Singapore. If anyone of you is hurt or ill, he would be able to cure you."
And even though I did not take studying seriously, I managed to get into Anderson Junior College in the end, one of the better junior college in Singapore. Still, when I was seventeen and eighteen, you were still summoned to talk to the school principal. I had been late for school fifteen times within the first three months. Not counting the times which I didn't go to school altogether when I realise I was late. The two years I studied in junior college, I did not hand up a single piece of assignment. Probably that time, not only you had lost all hope, you probably felt incredulous too. I don't have the answer myself. I just know that every time I wanted to start afresh, study hard and get good results, but every time it would fail. I can't do it! I didn't have passion for studying, and I didn't have the self discipline to make myself study.
Neither did I have the sense of responsibility towards you nor mom. And I have never felt you done me anything wrong. I always knew you wanted the best for me, you were afraid that I pick up vices, afraid that I would waste my talent, afraid that I would not be able to lead a useful and productive life when I grow up. But you were lost, don't know what to do with me anymore, just couldn't find the way to change or educate me, yet you couldn't accept my faults neither. And I continued to hate you, be afraid of you, of your actions and humiliation. We stopped talking to each other. To me, a good night at home would be we pretend that both of us are invisible, you don't say a single word of insult and leave me in peace.
But I know that somehow I need to learn that discipline and self discipline. Because of this, and because I just couldn't bear to stay at home anymore, I signed on with the army when I was eighteen. When I signed on that army contract, I thought that was my ticket to freedom, freedom from you; I didn't think about asking for your approval either. I remember grandma telling me this in hainanese, just before she got Alzheimer, "Your dad doesn't like that you become a professional soldier, talk to him and work things out, don't sign the contract." Still I signed it.
My performance in the army wasn't too bad, I found passion in the army, and I got into the Officer Cadet School. In this school, finally you weren't called to see the 'teachers' or the 'principal', you didn't receive any complaints. Instead you were invited as a VIP to attend my commissioning parade. For the first time in my life, I felt I had made you proud. We had a photo of that day, from left to right was me, mom, Ah Ying, Ah Yao and then you. Every time I looked at that photo I would try to read your facial expression... I can't see the joy or the pride.
Maybe from so many years of disappointment, you needed some more concrete and long lasting actions. And I got enrolled into National University of Singapore, even though I did not work hard at all at junior college. I even got in on army scholarship, which paid for my studies and even gave me monthly allowance. At that point of time I sincerely thought things would become better between us.
But once I was back at a life with no enforced discipline, back to books, I had to end in failure once again. When I was twenty three years old, you were summoned, this time not by the teachers or the principal, but by the army headquarters. I had been kicked out of university due to poor results, and the army demanded me to return every single cent plus interest of the scholarship they had paid for me. That was the last time you shouldered my failure. You paid one third of the liquidated damages, the rest I had to deduct from my monthly army salary. I think that was the last bit of hope you ever had for me extinguished. You would be disappointed for the last time, and the fate of our relationship was sealed.
After that, all the small achievements in my life didn't matter to you anymore, be it a good and proper girlfriend, getting into Special Forces, becoming a popular tango dancer and teacher; they didn't interest you a single bit. Maybe for you, these things were just like those Weiqi, Wushu, piano, acting, etc... Some useless and pointless things.
I too, had lost all concern regarding you. I remembered when I was twenty five; I discussed with Mom and decided to go overseas to study. In the administrative process, we needed some bank account statement from you just to show the school that we have a healthy financial standing, I didn't want the money, just the bank account statement for the admin process. But you refused to help me, you said, "How do I know if you are serious this time? I don't believe you can do it." That is true, you had every right to doubt, and I do not blame you. But at that moment, I stopped regarding you as my father.
It's been three years since I left Singapore. I often think of health situation. During conversations, when people asked about my family, I would think of you too. On the streets when I see dads with their kids, I would think of you too. Twenty nine years, it's not true that there's nothing to say, only the inability to say them. Even I had wanted to tell you, I wouldn't have known where to start, neither did I have the reason to start talking to you. But now I have found it. Because I have finally fallen in love with the thing that you have tried so hard, for so many years, scolding and beating, just to let me fall in love but with no avail... I have fallen in love with studying. In this place where the language and culture is foreign, not only I had fallen in love with studying, but I've become very good at it. I have quite good results, and fellow classmates would come for me for advice. Recently I told a classmate what kind of student I was as a kid, she couldn't believe it.
In philosophy, I found much joy in exploring human knowledge. My passion for philosophy is not any lesser than what I had for Wushu, Weiqi, Tango, etc. Now all I can think of is some theory or concept of some great philosopher, to understand more, to find more answers, to continue to search for truth in life. My thirst for knowledge is so great to the point that when I am out with friends, all I can think of is returning home to study.
So I would like to take this chance to tell to the things I need to say to you. I do not hate you; I do not have the right or reason to blame you. You had always wanted the best for me. I was the one who had done you wrong, who couldn't meet your standards. And your guidance, although it was painful and bitter, but they were like the Chinese medicine that you always prescribe, the more bitter the better. And my character that I am not afraid of pain, not afraid of setbacks, was brought out by you. The fact that I had no become some two bit criminal was because you kept me on the right track! Thank you!
Still there are some things that still weigh heavily on my personality. Up till these few years, it was very hard for me to take criticism from middle aged men in authority; I would always feel unreasonably emotional when that happens. And to me, having a failed father and son relationship is a big regret in my life. Plus your health is quite problematic, and I always felt that on some level it was my fault, I made you angry so many times, even now my existence and actions still affects your physical and emotional health. I don't hope for any change in our relationship, but these words I need to let you know. And I want to say them while I still have the chance and especially now that I have the right reason. That I have finally fallen in love with something that you can be proud of. Although it's not medicine, engineering or law, it is still a great branch of knowledge.
Lastly, telling you all these things is also for me. If I don't say it out I would never be able to forgive myself. Once I get this out of me, another chain of my heart would be set free.
Come to think of it, all these years I had never changed. I am still the one who does whatever he desires. Just that now what I desire is something you can be proud of. Neither would I change in the future; I would never have that sense of responsibility or security that you want. If I cannot find a reason, a passion, then I can't do it, or I'll do it badly.
I hope you can understand that, and hopefully once you understand you would not feel so angry and disappointed anymore.
Love,
Yang
